The Twitter Bible

I was a bit skeptical when, in 1982, Reader’s Digest offered The Holy Bible as one of its condensed books. The Eight Commandments? The ten disciples? The Last Snack? (Actually, by cutting only repetitive texts, it trimmed the Old Testament by 55 percent and the New by 25 percent with nothing essential missing.)

I’m not sure, however, about the latest Scripture version: The Twitter Bible. This investigative humor columnist has obtained these exclusive excerpts:

• Had a very good work week, but looking forward to a day of rest. I AM

• Feeling really bad. Must have been something we ate. Adam and Eve

• I don’t think my brother likes me. Abel

• The romantic cruise my husband promised turned out to be a real zoo. Mrs. Noah

• We’ll be moving. No forwarding address at this time. Abraham

• Sleepless night. Wild dreams and my hip is killing me. Jacob

• Dream isn’t working out exactly as planned. Joseph

• Pharaoh wants to kill my son. I’m a basket case! Jochebed, mother of Moses

• I’ve been out in the desert way too long! Moses

• Frog legs for dinner. Again! Pharaoh 1

• What part of “thou shalt not” don’t you people understand?! I AM

• Looking for new manna recipes. Zipporah 2

• Hebrews are marching around Jericho for the seventh day in a row. Silly Jews! Rahab

• My last performance should bring down the house. Samson

• No longer following Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar. Job

• Facing giant too big to hit. Saul

• Facing giant too big to miss. David

• Played the Palace today. Tough room. David

• Nothing interesting happens around here. Think I’ll relax in the tub. Bathsheba

• A thousand wives? I’m beginning to question my wisdom. Solomon

• “Like a swallow, like a crane, I twitter” Isaiah (38:14 NASB) 3

• Acquired four sharp, young executives in hostile take-over. I hope they fit into our corporate culture. King Nebuchadnezzar

• I’m afraid I’ve got some really, really bad news. Jeremiah

• Nice kitty. Nice kitty. Daniel

• You’re not going to believe this fish story! Jonah

• Just found out Elizabeth and I are going to be first-time parents in our old age. I’m speechless! Zechariah

• My life is SO boring. Wait . . . I totally take that back! Mary

• Mary took news better than expected. A little worried about sharing news with fiance’. Gabriel

• Mary, you’re WHAT? Joseph

• I haven’t felt my baby kick, but it sometimes feels like He’s walking on water. Mary

• Caesar Augusta decrees all world should be taxed; Roman Senate deadlocked over payroll deduction. DailyScroll

• I told Joseph to make reservations! Mary

• I think it’s time to deliver this miracle baby. My wine broke! Mary

• Another boring, sleepless night and . . . HOLY LIGHT! Shepherds

• Born city of David: Savior, Christ Lord. Sign 2 U: wrapped W swaddling clothes in manger. Glory 2 God in highest, on earth peace, goodwill 2 peeps. Gabriel

• Magi came by the palace asking “Where is the king?” Not very wise men! Herod

• Jesus not impressed with gold, frankincense and myrrh. Instead wanted a “Tickle Me Eli.” Mary

• Up in middle of night w/ another disturbing dream. Need to pack. Joseph

• A lot to ponder. Mary

• AMBER ALERT! Twelve-year-old male. Last seen at Temple. Joseph and Mary

• Herod’s wife wants my head. I’m sure it’s just a figure of speech. John the Baptist

• Follow me. And not just on Twitter! Jesus 4

• Wow! Had a real mountain top experience today! Sons of Thunder

• We finally got rid of that trouble-maker Jesus. Caiaphas, high priest

• Oops! Caiaphas, high priest

• Just closed a real estate deal to die for! Ananias and Saphira

• Busy day persecuting Christians. Saul

• Busy day being persecuted as a Christian. Paul

• Everybody in the whole cell block was dancin’ to the jail house rock. Paul and Silas

• I’ll be back! Jesus

Copyright © 2009 James N. Watkins. All rights reserved.

Add your “tweets” to The Twitter Bible by commenting below. I’ll be sure to give you proper attribution for your contributions:
1. Jeanette Levellie
2. Faith Bogdan
3. Lee Grady
4. Torry Martin