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I have in my right hand, direct from the home office in Corn Borer, Indiana . . .

10. Top ten animals left off the ark

March 2014

With Hollywood launching its version of Noah, I have in my right hand, direct from my dingy in Corn Borer, Indiana, today’s category:

10. Flying Platypuses

9. Vampire Bunnies

8. Giant Chihuahuas

7. Land Sharks

6. Boneless Chickens

5. “Wild Things”

4. Three-Humped Camels

3. Wooly Minis

2. Furry-Bottomed Baboons

1. Amicable Cats

Copyright © James N. Watkins

9. Top ten things I (Jim) would do if I were God

The perverse brutality of Islamic terrorist groups prompts the question: What kind of perverse theology would inspire its followers to kill, torture, rape, kidnap and maim innocent people in the name of its “god”?! If I were God, I’d do things differently! So, I have in my right hand, direct from my home office—soon to be atop Mt. Sinai—today’s category: 

10. Know who really shot JFK, if there really are aliens in Roswell, and the identity of those “secret herbs and spices” at KFC. And, as all knowing, I would win the lottery every single week!

9. During creation, spend a little more time on northern Indiana. (Apparently, God spent his day of rest in Corn Borer as there is nothing creative here!)

8. The next person who asks me to eternally destroy something, I’ll take them up on their request. Suddenly a blinding light, a deafening roar, and there’s a ten-foot-wide crater where that [bleep bleep] hard-to-start lawnmower used to be. People would be a lot more careful what they said if I were God.

7. Only one mosquito on the ark.

6. Dust off the ten plagues of Egypt and send them upon Third World dictators.

5. Require that all religious TV and radio programs carry the following disclaimer: “Views expressed on this program are those of the speaker and do not necessarily reflect the views of God or his Church.”

4. All kinds of poetically-just punishments for rapists, child abusers and sex traffickers, none of which can be posted on a PG-rated website.

3. All paintings of white Anglo-Saxon Jesus would disappear in the twinkling of an eye. God’s Son was born a Jew in the Middle East!

2. An eleventh commandment: Thou shall not “spam” thy neighbor.

1. Send every terrorist straight to hell—without 72 virgins!

Okay, okay, it’s a good thing that I’m not God. (If I can’t even balance my checkbook, I have no business running the universe.) And, nothing personal, I’m glad you’re not God either.

8. Top ten lamest hurricane names

July 2019

10. Charley (2004)

9. Dennis (2005)

8. Claudette (2003)

7. Edna (1954)

6. Lenny (1999)

5. Hortense (1996)

4. Felix (2007)

3. Fabian (2003)

2. Dolly (2002)

1. Bob (1991)

If you want people to take the danger seriously, you need ominous-sounding names like Adolph, Brutus, Caligula, Diablo, Ervil, Fidel, Gorgon, Hussein, Igor and Jezebel. Those names will send you racing to the store for bread, milk and plywood!

7. Top ten reasons Santa on naughty list

December 2009

I have in my right mitten, direct from my home office in Corn Borer, Indiana, today’s category: top ten reasons Santa Claus is not a good role model.

10. Breaks into homes in the middle of the night (trespassing, breaking and entering both felonies).

9. Morbidly obese from diet of cookies and milk.

8. Tolerates prejudice (reindeer call Rudolph names, won’t let him join in any reindeer games).

7. Shows preference toward children of rich parents over the poor in annual gift-giving spree.

6. Shows judgmental attitude by keeping list of “naughty and nice” children.

5. Exhibits conditional love by basing gifts on aforementioned list.

4. Smokes.

3. Investigators concerned about content of pipe as Santa is constantly “jolly” (see depiction of St. Nick above)

2. Once arrested for punching out co-worker

1. Has author on his “naughty” list

5.  Top ten signs you’ve been watching too much ‘reality’ TV

I have in my right hand, direct from my home office, my remore and tonight’s top ten list. Top ten signs you’ve been watching too much reality TV.

10. At the last family reunion, you voted off your brother-in-law

9. You’ve installed a video camera in every room of your house

8. For chocolate and peanut butter, you’ll strip naked

7. You’ve named your children Ozzy and Sharon

6. While in financial planning meetings, you shout “Hit me with the digits!”

5. You purchased William Hung’s CD

4. While your neighbors were on vacation, you sneaked in and completely remodeled their house

3. When you have guests over, you serve Madagascar hissing cockroaches

2. You’re actually interested in “the simple life” of Paris and Nicole

1. You know the story behind each of these signs (Seek immediate help!)

Experience some really real reality this summer. Turn off the TV, put down the paper, log off the Internet, and enjoy the simple life with your family and friends. Play catch. Grill out. Go for a walk or a bike ride. Visit the zoo. Build a tree house. Go fishing. Tell someone you love him or her. Now that’s real!

5. Top ten things hated more than the IRS

April 2013

Uh . . . sorry. I’ve got nothing.

4. Top ten ways to reduce the national debt

July 2011

10. Sponsor a national garage sale (Do we really need two Dakotas?)

. Make Chuck-E-Cheese tokens legal tender

8. Turn Blair House into an upscale bed and breakfast

7. Have senators and representatives salaries based on median income of their constituents

6. Have the presidency be a volunteer position. (Does someone worth $5 million need $400,000 a year, plus housing and generous pension?)

5. Make the U.S. government an Amway distributor (just sign up ten more countries, who sign up ten more countries . . . )

4. Tax junk mail, spam and telemarketing

3. Creditors who forgive debts can rename national landmarks: The Wan Ting Monument, The Grand Dragon Canyon, The Statue of Liang Ting, . . .

2. Have Bill Gates write a check [In 2025, that would be Elon Musk]

1. Cut up Congress’ credit card

3. Top ten surprises in Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt

March 2016

Friday, Anne Rice’s novel, Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt, debuts as a major film. So, with that in mind, I have in my right hand, direct from my home office in Corn Borer, Indiana, the top ten surprises in the novel:

10. Jesus turns bathwater into wine

9. Brings gold, frankincense and myrrh to “Show and Tell”

8. No one wants to play hide and seek with him

7. At school, Jesus blows the curve on every test

6. Classmates go to Jesus rather than the school nurse

5. Jesus casts out monsters from under his bed

4. Is the undefeated “King of the Mountain”

3. Everyone wants to trade lunches with Jesus

2. Church of the Nazarene’s “Bible Bowl” team undefeated

1. Jesus’ brothers and sisters get tired of Mom asking, “Why can’t you be more like your older brother?”

 2. Top Ten Politically Correct Christmas—excuse me, Holiday—Songs

December 1998

10. Chestnuts Roasting on an Environmentally-friendly Fuel Source

9. Rudolph, the Endangered and Exploited Specie

8. We Three Politically Oppressive Patriarchs

7. Rocking Around the Recycled, Flame-retardant, Artificial Holiday Tree

6. All I Want For Christmas is a Dental Plan

5. Frosty the Gender-Neutral Snowperson

4. I Saw Mommy Suing Santa Claus for Sexual Harassment

3. I’m Dreaming of a Racially Diverse Christmas

2. I’ll Be Home For Ramadan (or Chanukah or Kwanzaa or Winter Solstice or . . .)

1. We Wish You a Non-sectarian Holiday

1. Top ten signs Han Solo has turned 70

July 2012

10. Forgets to turn off directional light on Millennium Falcon

9. Spends day yelling at padawans, “Get off my lawn!”

8. His cholesterol number is in hyper space

7. He and Princess Leia celebrating 45th anniversary

6. Instead of the Mos Eisley Cantina, hangs out at Endor Senior Center

5. Chewbacca is suffering from male pattern baldness

4. Has switched membership from Rebel Alliance to AARP

3. No longer depends on The Force, but fiber

2. His blaster is firing blanks

1. Has replaced Millennium Falcon with Millennium Scooter

All lists copyright © James N. Watkins